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Part 1 here

Anorgasmia

I have previously written on some underlying factors which may cause anorgasmia. I have outlined four of the seven primary fears which pull people out of sexual consciousness and into self-criticism. As I have pointed out, our mental state is vital to our ability to perform sexually and to orgasm. Anorgasmia, while affecting more women than men, has every person susceptible if they succumb to any of these primary fears. I will finish this topic by discussing the final three fears, starting with the fear of inadequacy.

Fear of inadequacy

Fear of InadequacyThe next fear is related to our feelings of self-worth. While the fear of inadequacy could certainly apply to the fear of physical rejection, it is really our self-image in the world to which this fear applies. When a person misperceives her sexual worth in any given situation pertaining to her social or economic worth, or even her heritage, it can lead to hampered sexual arousal, and ultimately anorgasmia.

This fear is often financial in men.  As there is some evidence to women’s orgasmability being related to their male partner’s financial worth, at least according to one study, it thus makes this fear not completely unwarranted. However, men should consider that any true negatives on that end would likely prevent things from escalating outright, so if she is in bed with you, then it probably is not that.

Women, on the other hand, may feel intimidated by a difference in class, socio-economic status or racial heritage, which again can hamper relaxation, sexual arousal and orgasm. In fact, any feelings of inadequacy can do the same. This may be the number one reason some married couples only experience mono-orgasmic sex—that is, only one partner (usually the male) climaxes—even when both put in the effort. When one partner feels inadequate relative to the other, the sex will suffer. And when that feeling of inequality persists, so does anorgasmia. It is perfectly healthy for power to fluctuate in a relationship, and the partner perceiving the short end of the stick may express it sexually (albeit unconsciously); however, once balance returns, even if briefly, di-orgasmic sex can be had once again. Couples in awareness of this fluctuation can even find greater intimacy within this dynamic if the dominant partner uses it as an opportunity to nurture the other one sexually, and the non-dominant partner uses it as an opportunity to trust. Any power games played here, however, will run the risk of creating a mono-orgasmic sexual imbalance within the relationship.

Of course, this fear is based on a misperception, as one can never be beneath another. Saying this, however, it can be a difficult obstacle to overcome psychologically, and seeking help may be necessary. Please contact me if you have are having trouble with this fear and it is affecting you sexually.

 Fear of disgracing loved ones

Family disgrace“What would my mother think?” “What would my children think?” “What would my friends think of me if they knew I did/liked/desired that?!” The opinions of our loved ones matter to us, and many hold themselves back with an unconscious fear of disgracing ourselves in their eyes. This fear can be seen on more superficial levels as manner of dress, chosen profession (particularly in eastern cultures), even social and professional affiliations. It is closely related to fear of social rejection, only greater. If you can hear your mother scolding you, it is doubtful you will be climaxing. Now obviously some people might experience the opposite and actually get sexually aroused from the same scenario; however, most people who have an unconscious fear of disgracing their loved ones will be affected negatively sexually.

This can be tough and deep rooted, so I encourage anybody who is aware of this obstacle in their sex life to seek help. Please contact me.

Fear of dishonored reputation

reputationMany of us have worked hard to establish ourselves professionally, and as a result we have earned a certain reputation in our industries, our communities and within the world at large. It is not uncommon for the fear of loss of reputation to affect our decisions, in many ways good, as it keeps some of us in check, and prevents us from doing things that embarrass us later. However, when that fear runs deep it can affect sexual arousal, performance and orgasmability (creativity and partner satisfaction as well).

Some careers or professions are historically uptight—teachers, judges, clergy, to name a few—and thus people within those professions may have difficulty enjoying di-orgasmic sex. Saying that, however, anything that is repressed will be expressed elsewhere and so plenty of these professionals exhibit quite carefree (and sometimes careless) sexuality. The rise in female teacher sex relations with male students is testament to this. But to those afflicted with an irrational fear of losing face if their pleasures and fantasies are found out, only keep themselves from enjoying sex and experiencing thunderous orgasms.

While these seven fears may seem irrational to those who do not suffer them, I can assure you they are very real. And while some people are perfectly content with both their fears and their anorgasmic or mono-orgasmic sex lives, plenty are frustrated by them. If you happen to be one who cannot figure out why you no longer reach orgasm (or never have!), then it will be wise for you to self-reflect and investigate, and if you find that one or more of these fears is in fact hampering you, you can overcome them, and enjoy explosive sexual experiences that need to be experienced to believe. Please contact me if you need help in this area, and stop missing out on this natural gift that has been bestowed upon us humans—the pleasures of orgasm. Believe me your life will blossom.


Sexual obstaclesIn an earlier post I discussed the physiological differences between men and women that allows men the potential for orgasm during any sexual encounter in which they can perform. Men are pointers and shooters. Women, like men, have to be physically aroused to climax, but most women also need to be mentally aroused. Yes there are always exceptions, but the rule is that a lover must get into a woman’s mind for her full arousal and the greatest chance at her having an orgasm.

But whatever aids us also challenges us equally, and the mind too can be the greatest obstacle to a woman’s reaching her optimal orgasmic state. In that earlier post I discussed the first of seven primary fears, the fear of moral disgrace, which is based on religious beliefs. This post we will discuss fears 2-4, starting with the fear of not knowing enough or being experienced enough.

Fear of not knowing enough/being experienced enough

sexual inexperienceThis fear is based on our perceived accumulation or deficiency of knowledge. In this case, it is sexual knowledge or experience. Most everybody can relate to moments when they felt inexperienced sexually. The nervousness that rides along with this feeling can be paralyzing, except for the trembling. This fear can lead to erection problems in men, lubrication issues in women, tense muscles, and every other fight or flight, sympathetic nervous system (SNS), response possible. Now while the sympathetics are actually responsible for the ejaculation in men, in women they play a role in the onset of sexual arousal. But here is the interesting thing, a 2000 study on the role of the SNS in sexual arousal among three different female groups—normal sexual function, low sex drive, and anorgasmia—showed that while exercise (an inducer of SNS stimulation) increased signs of sexual arousal in the first two groups, it did the opposite in women who have difficulty climaxing. In other words, women who are anorgasmic will be further hampered by anything increasing tension, including mental states.

Fear of not knowing enough sexually can lead to performance anxiety, where the woman—in her ability to receive without being sexually aroused—becomes a passive spectator in the sexual act, rarely enjoying  her time, seeing sex more as a duty than a pleasure. Despite this obstacle being, in a sense, self-inflicted, it does lead to an overall feeling of non-safety, which, as any woman will tell you, is the killer of sexual arousal. Partners can aid in quelling this fear through reassurance, encouragement and communication of what feels good, what is erotic, and so forth to the one sexually “crippled” with this fear.

Fear of physical rejection

body dysmorphiaThis is perhaps the most obvious fear, as we all have body parts that we both love and despise—this is as true for supermodels as it is for you and me. However, this fear can be extreme enough in some people as to affect sexual performance in men, and sexual arousal—and thus anorgasmia— in women. Too fat, too skinny, organ size, breast size, nipple size, skin blemishes, bad tastes and smells are all areas that can have some people too self-conscious to relax during sex.

If you were to understand that everybody goes into it with areas of themselves they do not love, and that a person is actually in bed with you because of something they like about you, then that helps. If you are too self-conscious to actually enjoy sex, then contact me, because I can show you every reason to love that part of you that you despise. And until you do that, orgasmic sex with another person is unlikely to happen.

Fear of social rejection

Social rejection“What will people think if I…” Finish the sentence. That is the fear keeping you from experiencing orgasmic sex or life itself. Is it being with someone of a different age (too old, too young), a particular body shape or size (too fat, too skinny, too short, too tall), or a different race? Is it what the neighbors would think if they heard you scream your sexual desires? What your children might think if they find your vibrator? Whatever it is, it’s nothing more than a hang-up. That fat girl just might give you the best orgasm of your life; that young guy could be your key to climax. Screaming might just be the release you need to have an orgasm, and frankly, the neighbors might like it.

Some people believe that if they were to receive and enjoy their sexual pleasures, they might be labeled a slut, or looked upon as a pervert. Some are still afraid to express their homosexuality. Others are ashamed of what they themselves consider deviant. Some people are even afraid their sex partner might be turned off if they let loose, and I’ve got to tell you—I doubt it. I have met and spoken to a lot of people, and most admit they like kinky stuff in bed. We all do! Accept it and start having fun. Believe me, nothing is too weird—if you like it, someone else does too. Promise. A universal. Contact me if you really cannot get past this one.

Part III coming soon


optimal orgasmic stateAs I was sitting around the virtual universe, the topic of orgasm came up, specifically how to know one’s most optimal orgasmic state, and why so many people fail to reach it, let alone know what that state might be. You better believe the right state is necessary to reach orgasm, but men and women have very different physiologies, which dictate how they get there, or whether they get there at all.

Both genders have some clear cut advantages to their sexual expressions, and some disadvantages too. For instance, orgasm in men, for the most part, is hinged on having an erection. It’s the ol’ point and shoot – they mostly come and go together. In other words, to simply be able to do it at all, a man is practically assured an orgasm. Women, on the other hand, can have sex functionally whether in the proper orgasmic state or not (albeit less gratifyingly), and many habitually do just that, over and over again – a number reporting that they enjoy sex, even without orgasm, as intimacy leads to its own rewards.

Big bangObviously the upside for men is that the pleasures of the big-bang are a part of most, if not every, sexual act. For women, though, it takes work—in the form of foreplay (although what we generally mean by this term could actually be the sex act itself)—and sometimes lots of patience. But women can and often do feel a stronger sense of intimacy with the sexual act, whereas the male sex act can, at times, be purely biological. This is likely due to some reproductive realities—like men must ejaculate to procreate, while women need only receive to conceive. By no means does this suggest that women do not love a good ol’ romp for the romp’s sake; and most certainly a big-bang orgasm is equally, if not more, sweet for a woman, but the physiological function between the sexes differs enough to cause these polarities.  All that being said, however, when it comes to anorgasmia (inability to achieve orgasm), women are exceedingly more afflicted than men.

To orgasm, a woman needs to be in the right frame, physically and mentally, as both physiological and psychological stimulation play a role in a woman’s entering the most optimal orgasmic state. Stimulating a woman’s mind is as large a part of reaching orgasm as is stimulating her body; and while not an absolute, it most certainly adds to and aids in the process. Both partners being “open,” mentally and sexually, are enormous enhancers to a woman’s orgasmability.

anorgasmiaThis is not as easy as it sounds, however: Men and women alike can have mental barriers which may not only affect our sexual performance and orgasmability, but can play a role in how we express our sexual personas (prudishly, insecurely, or overly-aggressive to name just a few), and thus dictate our sexual-life history as a whole. While these mental barriers can certainly become conscious in our awareness, most often they remain hidden away as established mores and norms, beliefs that we tuck aside, accept as reality, and despite their having little substance or validity, submit our sex lives to.  While the variety of mental barriers is large, they belong to a family of seven primary fears, which affect us on a multitude of levels, including sexually.

The Seven Primary Fears

The seven primary fears that can affect one’s sexuality to such a degree as to obstruct orgasmability are fear of moral disgrace, fear of not knowing enough or being experienced enough, fear of physical rejection, fear of social rejection, fear of inadequacy, fear of disgracing loved ones, and fear of dishonored reputation. While each can be expressed in varying forms, their foundation is rooted in the primary fear itself. I will discuss how each can act as a hidden obstacle to our sexuality, affecting performance and our ability to orgasm.

Fear of moral disgrace

Moral Disgrace - SexThe first fear is a fear of moral disgrace. This can have a number of different sources: It may be considered “sinning against God,” morally shameful, or disgraceful to one’s religious belief system or its authorities. It has its roots in a moral code that says sexual pleasure is bad, and the act of “doing it” should be for reproductive purposes only. Both men and women can have repressed feeling of guilt revolving around masturbation, past sexual experiences and particular sexual acts. I have an acquaintance, a staunch Christian, who is mortified over her penchant for anal sex. She actually believes she will be stricken down somewhere, sometime in her life for fantasizing about and indulging in what she considers to be a deviant act. Now, interestingly, she is not restricted enough by her beliefs to block her from experiencing sexual pleasure, as she reports no problems in that area, but I simply use this example to illustrate of how our beliefs color our perceptions of sex. I have no doubt that her fears affect her relationships and feelings of self-esteem and will continue to do so as long as she holds onto this irrational fear.

The idea that God is somehow for or against any sexual act is rooted in our moralistic Victorian heritage, when “irregular” sex was condemned.

In line with the physiological idea of the body as a closed system of energy, male sexual ‘expenditure’ and especially ‘excess’ (spermatorrhea) were said to cause enfeeblement. Thus it was seriously held, for example, that sexual appetite was incompatible with mental distinction and that procreation impaired artistic genius. Men were vigorously counselled to conserve vital health by avoiding fornication, masturbation and nocturnal emissions (for which a variety of devices were invented) and by rationing sex within marriage. Even when other causes were present, sickness and debility were frequently ascribed to masturbation – the great erotic subject described as vigorously as it was denounced. ‘That insanity arises from masturbation is now beyond a doubt’, declared one widely read authority, who also claimed that ‘masturbators’ became withdrawn, flabby, pale, self-mutilating and consumptive. Ailments afflicting adolescent girls were similarly said to signify abnormal sexual excitation. With punitive therapy in mind, some doctors erased sexual pleasure through barbaric practices such as penile cauterisation and clitorodectomy. ~ Sex & Sexuality in the 19th Century, Victoria and Albert Museum, London

VictorianLadies circa1855

But not only Christians who can be weighed down by moralistic guilt and shame, any person strongly influenced by a spiritual authority is vulnerable, particularly if that authority views sex outside of procreation a sin. (Part II up next)

hysteriaHave your chaise longues ready folks, because this post is guaranteed to tickle. For me it’s in the taste of irony with regard to the history of an old guard prone to the accusations, oppression and persecution of any professions that it has considered an economic or authoritative competitor. But for you it may be the tickle of a different sort, one regarding a history of another kind.

Once upon a time the medical profession recognized a disorder known as female hysteria.  In the mid-19th century this condition was thought to result from the stresses of modern living. As the name indicates, it was a purely female phenomenon, and the symptoms included faintness, nervousness, sexual desire, insomnia, fluid retention, heaviness in abdomen, muscle spasm, shortness of breath, irritability, loss of appetite for food or sex, and “a tendency to cause trouble.” Although the notion of female hysteria actually dates as far back as ancient Greece, it is the relatively more recent classification that interests me.

dr_swift (Copy)“The women who visit me vary in age and social standing. Some of the women have husbands, some are single and there have even been ladies of the night pay me a visit. There is no pattern to when or how their female hysteria will be brought on and the only way I have found to effect a cure is by the method of pelvic massage.”*

The prescribed treatment for this gender-specific stress disorder was the pelvic massage. Yes, doctors would treat patients to a hands-on genital rubbing, until the hysterical female reached sexual climax. Voilà! Patient cured by orgasm—well, until the next episode that is…

“My husband was shocked at my repeat visits to the doctor but insisted I should employ a maid at the house who would learn the doctor’s methods and deal with me whenever I required her services.”*

On first thought it might be easy to misconstrue that treating female hysteria was a pleasurable act for both doctor and patient, but in actuality it was an arduous task, so much that it was not uncommon for the therapeutic duties to be passed on to a midwife, or even a husband. Some women would take hours to reach “healing”, and this seriously cut into the time and economics for the doctor. As a result, a number of useful items were born, because as they say, “Necessity is the mother of invention.”

f6a6ede3bcedba45ed13366ca63d3b84_vice_670 (Copy)The first item of interest was the fainting room. Homes we’re built with private rooms in which hysterical ladies would be treated; they were furnished with the latest in hysteria decor, like the fainting couch. These chaise longues were specifically designed for the ease and comfort of receiving pelvic massages. Finally, as doctors became overwhelmed by ever-increasing patient load, two nifty little devices were spawned. The water massager and the vibrator.

5898537729_539d755884_z (Copy)“In 1902, the American company Hamilton Beach patented the first electric vibrator available for consumer retail sale as opposed to medical usage, making the vibrator the fifth domestic appliance to be electrified, after the sewing machine, fan, tea kettle, and toaster, and about a decade before the vacuum cleaner and electric iron.” ~ Wikipedia

That’s right, folks—you can thank modern medical science for your pocket rockets, magic wands and jack rabbits–mechanical massagers designed to cure the ubiquitous condition of female hysteria. In an era when it was unfathomable that women had sexual needs that went beyond reproduction, these handy little stimulators were the buzz of medical technology.

“To get the best possible results and a thorough massage you must use The American Vibrator. No modern home is complete without one. Our machine is guaranteed.” ~ American Vibrator Company, St. Louis, Mo.

firstvibrator1902 (Copy)The twentieth century saw a sharp decline in the number of diagnosed cases of female hysteria, as study and observation could yield no particular cause for the disorder. In fact, over 75 pages of different causes were ascribed to female hysteria, some pointing out that it became a catchall diagnosis for any unidentifiable ailment.

800px-Designvibratoren (Copy)Sigmund Freud himself was at the forefront of reclassifying hysteria (from schizophreniaconversion disorders and anxiety attacks for example) into the now more commonly used anxiety neurosis. As society learned more about human sexuality, the practice of classifying what we would consider today as the need for a good ol’ romp a medical disorder diminished. Lucky for us the manufacture and sale of vibrators continued, but starting in the 1960′s they were hawked for the same uses that they are today—as sexual stimulators.

Mrs-Daldry-in-Treatment-WEB (Copy)
The irony for me is that  today modern medicine continues to focus on other (alternative) healing professions’ sometimes less than rational historical roots, as a way to undermine what have become in many cases very rational practices. But from bloodletting to lobotomies, modern medicine has had its fair share of irrational theories and practices, some that continue today (like pharmaceutical treatments for ADD and depression). Cultural practices evolve with our understanding of the body, mind and physics. As we learn more, we adapt how we address “problems”. Sometimes it’s as simple as doing away with an illogical morality, as the curious case of female hysteria has proven. Paradigms change, and when we change our behaviors as a result we get closer to truly helping people. By the same token, without the challenge of finding a cure for female hysteria, we might still have some very overworked doctors, midwives and husbands. Phew…hallelujah.

*Legitimacy of quote unconfirmed

Well gents, when it comes to chicks, it’s not what you’ve got in your pocket that matters, but what you’ve got in your pocketbook.  Your lady’s propensity to orgasm is directly linked to your wallet.  So says a 2009 study of five thousand women showing a strong correlation between the reported wealth of their mates and the number of orgasms they experience.  Humbling, I know.

The study, a statistical analysis of data collected from the Chinese Health and Family Life Survey, looked at women, aged 20-64, representing 60 different regions in China, and controlled for such factors as female age, educational attainment, happiness, health, relationship duration, regional differences, and differences between partners in educational attainment and wealth.  Researchers found that the wealthier the male, the more orgasms their female partners reported.  Due to the sensitive nature of the survey, takers were allowed to answer privately and anonymously.

Despite being able to control a large number of variables, the study’s authors did admit that the results could be due to response bias.  In other words, it is possible that women with frequent orgasms over-reported their partner’s wealth or that women with perceived “high-quality” mates over-reported climax frequency.

This study is important because it adds credence to a controversial view on female orgasm.  A split within evolutionary biology circles pits those that believe female orgasm is an adaptive trait, serving a role in securing high-quality mates, and those that think it is simply a by-product of the ejaculatory response in men.  Seriously folks, this is a big issue.

These results seem to support the adaptive view, as earning power and wealth could be perceived by women as high-quality survival traits.  Biologically speaking then, women might respond functionally to this advantage, leading to a favorable sexual response: The Big O.

Although at least one interpretation has any desirable trait increasing the frequency of female orgasm, I don’t think it’s that simple.  I don’t believe that physical attractiveness or education level are necessarily associated with survival success, but financial wealth certainly is.

By no means does this Chinese study make a definitive correlation.  It does, however, open the door for further investigation.  An interesting point is that the cohort (Chinese women), despite having many cultural differences from western women, may represent females as a whole.  A 1989 study showed that women across 27 countries placed high value on resource acquisition, or buying power, in potential mates.

What can I say?  I love this study, because…well, it’s something we men have always suspected, especially judging (on our end) by what she is doing with him.  And now we know.

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