Guess what’s “in” for 2008. Give up?–a fresh bout of syphilis, that’s what. Yup, you heard right. Ol’ Treponema pallidum, that crazy spirochete of yesteryear, is back in fashion, especially in Europe. Whether in London, Amsterdam, Paris or Berlin, if you’re looking for a good heapin’ helpin’ of this bad boy, just have some wild, unprotected sex. It’s there for the taking, baby. Just make sure you’ve got lots of penicillin, cuz this is one infection you’ll not want to ignore.

Syphilis comes in three flavors–primary, secondary, and tertiary. Whatever your speed, syphilis has got the complication for you. Unsightly and painless* chancre your thing? Then you’ll want to try primary syphilis. Don’t worry, you can have it on any location, even on your finger; very becoming, I might say.

Maybe you like to live on the edge. Maybe you’d prefer a full body rash, or white, flaky crust on your head. How about fever, sore throat, malaise, weight loss, headache, meningismus, and enlarged lymph nodes? Then you’ll want to ignore that bout of primary syphilis, and go for the secondary version. Nice. You’ve got balls, man. But not for long…

If you just don’t have the patience for the two more mild forms of the syph, then you’ve absolutely got to try tertiary syphilis. WooBoy! Ain’t nothing like it! Gummas, chronic inflammation, neuropathies, aortic aneurysm, heart failure, blindness, dementia, memory loss, insanity, death–you get it all with this one.

Seems like people are tired of safe sex. I know, I know–boring! So they’re doin’ it without protection. It seems like the biggest adventurers are HIV+ men (but everyone’s doing it–straight, gay, no matter–it’s the thing). According to experts, HIV+ men are seeking each other out on the Internet specifically to have unprotected sex. They figure: Hey, I’ve got the virus, you’ve got the virus–let’s party. I understand the concept. But what they might not count on is syphilis. Seriously, syphilis scares me a hell of a lot more than HIV does. But that’s just me. I’m definitely boring.

Listen, if syphilis or gonorrhea or chlamydia ain’t your thing, then don’t stop using rubbers–it’s simply foolish. I know that it may sound like fun at the time, but just ask anybody who’s ever had any of these infections if the 2.5 minutes was worth it. I’ll bet a million dollars they’ll say, “Hell no!” C’mon, let’s all chant together now: No glove, no love, no glove, no love, no glove, no love…

*thanks Anon.