Say hello to the modern-day chastity belt: it’s called the surgical mask. College students are being advised to refrain from kissing, but if they must, they should do it through surgical masks. The Centers of Disease Control (CDC) has released it’s 2009-2010 Guidance For Response to Influenza for Institutions of Higher Education during the Academic Year and it’s a doozy. So forget the condoms and forget the home pregnancy tests–horny college students go pick up your make-out masks at the Student Health Services building on the double!

The Guidelines have other very useful tips for our Nation’s students like, If sick

  • Don’t go to class
  • Don’t be around others
  • Professors, ignore absenteeism
  • Get off campus, go home–and don’t take the bus, get a cab
  • If you can’t leave campus, stay in your room, and have either the bravest student, or the most expendable bring you meals
  • Communicate only through e-mail, text and telephone
  • Also if unable to leave campus, the college can provide you with quarantine with all the other unfortunate lepers
  • and many others

Boy, this swine flu’s really got the government scared. Some ideas that did not make it into the Guidelines this year but were considered:

  • Heavy petting to be done only while wearing catcher’s or hockey goalie’s gear
  • Fornication should only be conducted virtually, through the web
  • And any orgy should be conducted singularly, in isolation, although web cam is permissible

So there you have it: Health care as provided by our government. Is it just me or can everybody else not wait for the socialized system to kick in? Woohoo!

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