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Have I caught your attention? Good. You’re gonna like this post, either for its usefulness or its sheer absurdity. Either way, listen up–there’s something in it for everyone.

First things first, doctors urge the use of erectile dysfunction drugs. According to a clinical practice guideline issued by the American College of Physicians, men with erectile dysfunction should be on oral phosphodiesterase type 5 (PDE-5) inhibitor drugs, such as Viagra, Cialis and Levitra, unless, of course, they are on nitrate therapy for cardiac conditions.

OK, no surprises there. This news in the face of another study that discloses that “hardness is the way to happiness.” Men have known this forever, but now science confirms it. Here’s the scoop: Pfizer, the makers of Viagra, surveyed men and women from twelve European countries. They found that 95% of respondents believe that a man’s sexual confidence is the essential ingredient for a good sex life. And 84% of men surveyed believe that the most important element of a man’s sexual confidence is his ability to please his partner sexually, while almost three quarters of women questioned agreed. So, guess what? More vi–agra, Olé!!!

The humor lies in the fact that when it comes to erection hardness, Spaniards are the least confident, while Germans are the most. This is in complete contrast to another survey in which women rated German men as the worst lovers, and Spanish men the best. Hmmm…either Spaniards are modest, Germans are dense, or women prefer men who lack confidence in their erections. Let’s see, happy women, unhappy men….yeah, that sounds right.

Anyway gents, dont worry about long-term Viagra use for now. It appears that scientists can’t find any long-term risks at the moment. There are, however, plenty of short term reactions. Dr. Alexander Tsertsvadze, from Ottawa Health Research Institute, Ontario, Canada, and colleagues report that men who took Viagra were 56% more likely than those given a placebo to experience any side effect, like headache, flushing difficulty breathing, and vision problems. The way I see it, most Spanish men would gladly endure flushing and gasping for a few hours of good wood.

But women–Aussie women primarily–beware the British male tourist travelling Down Under (now stop!). According to a recent report, Englishmen backpacking through Australia are speading sexually transmitted diseases like wildfire through risky behavior (unprotected sex with multiple partners). That’s right, “liberal” Aussie girls are foolishly practicing “no glove-love” with British travelers. And, well…you know that’s dumb.

American truckers ain’t doin’ much better. But I’ll spare you the dirty details. Check here if you’re interested.

Finally, in Detroit, one liquor store was busted trading Viagra, liquor and pornography for food stamps. U.S. Agriculture Department officials are pissed. I don’t get why. Don’t they understand it’s the key to happiness? Why, just ask a Spaniard.

Imagine getting bitten by a spider, gents, and developing a painful erection lasting for four-days, and then possibly dying of asphyxiation. Sounds harrowing doesn’t it? But this is reality in south-eastern Brazil. The deadly Brazilian wandering spider can be found in the states of São Paulo, Minas Gerais, Rio de Janeiro and Espírito Santo, and its venom is so intriguing to scientists that they are now studying it as a possible impotence cure, a la Viagra.

Phoneutria nigriventer, the Brazilian wandering spider, is indigenous to Brazil and parts of northern Argentina. It is known as one of the most dangerous spiders in the world. Its venom is so potent and can be delivered at such a quantity that it can be deadly to human beings. Throw in it’s wandering nature and the fact that it searches for cover during the day–often hiding in houses, clothes, cars, boots, boxes and log piles–and it can be a serious risk to people who happen upon and disturb it. It is also known as the “banana spider” because it has been encountered as a stowaway in shipments of bananas.

When bitten by P. nigriventer, men will develop a long-lasting, painful ercetion which ultimately leads to impotence. The potent venom known as PhTx3 acts as a broad-spectrum calcium channel blocker. At deadly concentrations, this neurotoxin causes loss of muscle control and breathing problems, resulting in paralysis and eventual asphyxiation. In addition, the venom causes intense pain and inflammation following an attack.

But it’s the erectile stimulatory effects that have scientists excited (go figure). Viagra (sildenafil citrate) works by increasing nitric oxide in the penis, which opens up the blood vessels and allows the penis to fill, causing erection. The spider venom works in the same way, increasing nitric oxide levels, albeit through a different mechanism. Scientists say that as exciting as this news is, they are years away from developing an impotence drug based on the spider venom. But try they still will.

I don’t know about you, but I’m always pumped-up about erection drugs. And why not? I mean, what’s life for except for furthering life? So spider venom working on the fly is good news in my book, even if one might have to deal with a little discomfort (four days?) along the way.

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