Warning! Breaking News: The culprit that caused the salmonella outbreak, which sickened more than 1,200 people over the last several months, appears to be jalapeño peppers. U.S. Food and Drug Administration officials have found a jalapeño pepper contaminated with Salmonella saintpaul, the bacteria that has been causing the widespread illness. The contaminated pepper was isolated from a distribution center called Agricola Zaragosa in McAllen, Texas.

Officials are not sure if the contamination originated in Mexico where the peppers are from or if the contamination was centralized in the Texas plant. Either way, one thing is for sure: DON’T EAT JALAPEÑO PEPPERS!!! Not until they’ve been cleared. So…hold the peppers, hold the salsa, no chipotle, nothing, nada. Can’t think of a worse fate: a bug that gives you the runs in a pepper that makes you shoot fire. Yow!

Also, tomatoes, you’re off the hook. Officials thought for a moment that it was this vitamin c laden fruit that was causing the runny woes, but lo and behold: TOMATOES ARE INNOCENT. Abbondanza!

There you have it–you heard it here first. From your source of health news and information with a twist. Now ‘scuze me–gotta run to the….aaaarrrgghhhh!!!!