Yes, you’ve read the title right: Heroin is the best treatment for heroin addiction. Duh! Who doesn’t know that? Heroin addict, no heroin–big problem. Heroin addict, heroin–no problem!  Every-ting irie, man.

According to Canadian researchers, injections of the active ingredient of heroin work far better than oral methadone for keeping addicts in treatment, away from illegal drugs and out of trouble. You don’t say…and they call this science? May I point out that a heroin addict will sit in a bucket of live crabs if there’s heroin in there.

Even better is the warning by researchers that administering heroin as treatment increases the risk of overdoses and seizures. Ha ha ha ha ha…oh sorry, but sometime I just can’t believe it myself.

So let me get this straight: To keep a heroin addict in treatment, simply give him or her heroin. They’ll stay put, commit less crimes, and it will cost less–$10,000 vs the $50,000 it is estimated to cost a heroin addict on the street. Why that’s a great idea, but is it treatment or is it a subsidy?

Either way, I don’t care. I just marvel at the absurdity of the discovery. I wonder how much the research cost? Must be that awe-inspiring innovation coming out of socialized health systems. Yes, Canada, keep wowing us with your cutting-edge medical science. Can’t wait for some more up-and-coming Canadian breakthroughs like pedophilia aversion training with room full of six-year-olds, and the ever-favorite “tough love” suicide hotline recorded message. We strive to be just like you, O Canada: humanitarian, progressive, and down-right brilliant.

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